JUNE POST!

Okay, this has to be short because I'm actually in the middle of cramming for finals but I decided to grant myself with yet another UNDESERVED break. Let's put it this way, I've been strictly adhering to the rule of business OVER pleasure, except I flipped the script, thus PLEASURE PLEASURE PLEASURE over business. That has some serious consequences attached to it, let me tell you. Oh well. This morning was ridiculous. When I woke up from the bright ass rays of the sunshine and the fact that I was unconsciously playing tug of war for the comforter throughout the night ... I decided that I won the game. I'm announcing this to the world too! Put it this way, last Friday I was on the brink of losing so I decided to step it up and take charge. Here's the sad news, now that I've "won the game" ... I no longer want to play it anymore. Basically, I'm bored. Hahaha. I contemplated over this matter throughout this entire day and that's really what I've concluded. OH WELL ... "thaaaaat's not maaaa baaaaad!" HAHAHAHA.



I've been hanging around Jazmin a lot lately. I'm not going to lie, it brings out another side to me. My inner child to be specific. I guess it's because she's my ONLY childhood friend who I've really kept a [somewhat] steady relation with and who knows me past the bullshit levels. Ahhhhhh, she's so cute. That's my "bestieeeeeee" without all the karma that comes with that title of course. Haaaaaa.

Back to studying. I'll try to wrap this up another time. Until then, stay classy, you hoes! :]

I was doing my makeup and I realized ... I need to sit down and just unwind. Here goes the matters on my mind that I've kept pent up; that is to say it's both good and bad.

+ I have never felt so CLOSE to my moms. Everything post the Julian era has been so surreal. We've really developed this intense bond that leaves plenty of room for mistakes and growth and over the span of a year, I can't even begin to tell you how long the both of us have come. I say that with pride because there was a point where I was convinced that our relationship was unrepairable. Little did I know that was only the beginning. Let me just add that we had an off the charts amazing Mother's Day at my domesticated big sister's condo. God I love my family!
+/- He has got me in a trance and constantly evaluating my every move. It's like ... I get a distinct vibe from him that keeps me coming back for more. Well, it's pretty well ingrained in my mind that ultimately, this could all lead to MAJOR trouble but that does not seem to stop me from going at it. This is what I mean when I say I am attracted to anything that is risky and challenging, metaphorically that is. I'm not trying to get over my head with this situation and I definitely don't want to OVER ANALYZE or misinterpret the signals so I'm just gonna stop. What happens, happens. Right?
+ I did a lot better on midterms this quarter. Now I just need to keep it up with finals and I'm free for the home stretch. Is that how the saying goes?
+ Over the course of this quarter, I've done a lot better with not only keeping in touch with people, but truly maintaining genuine relations with them. Slowly but surely, I'm finding that balance.
- Why am I still such a slacker? Carmela, oh Carmela. Procrastinating truly seems to be my middle name.
- Wish me luck because I really need to find a stable, well paying job.
+ My roomie and I have formed this indescribable bond. Sophia is a lot of the reason why I've matured in many ways. She truly is a blessing from the Hawaiian gods. Haha.

.... I suppose that's it for now? I have a research paper that I am seriously stalling to complete. I also have a hefty load of pages to read. So it's decided ... I should get on that.

Why can't I focus? Jesus, Joseph, and Mary. I have so much on my mind; however, they're not troubles that you jot down and suddenly feel better about. They're more like the sort that you have to deal with the funk for the load to be lifted. I guess I have to man up. Anyways ...

Last night, right after my Anthro41A class, I was sitting at my desk contemplating about whether or not I've been doing "the right thing" these last three weeks. Right when I was getting ready to throw in the towel and call quits ... my phone vibrates. It took one measly text message to completely cancel out my 30mins of contemplation. Man, I'm weak.

Well, as my first year of college is rapidly approaching its end, I can say that I've learned a lot about other people and more so, about myself. For instance, who would have ever imagined that the only type of music I would find myself listening to during midterms and finals week is big band / swing? You know what though, Mina is totally right. Most of my learning doesn't even take place inside the classroom ... it totally takes place outside. Oh, and NAPS are vital for survival in the college setting. That totally contradicts the notion that college kids are sleep deprived but I've really never slept so much as I did this year. There's so much more to add to the list BUT I need to really crack down on my study guides for Anthro and Soc.

One last thing. Why am I still hell bent over Saturday night? NO MAMES.

COMMITMENT.

Man, I have built my profile to be known as an individual who loathes permanently settling down with anyone. Now here I am admitting to be deeply engaged in a weekend relationship with ... BEER. Hahaha. Pinchi borracha status. But seriously ... I just felt the need to blog because I have so much pent up in my chest and I need to release, like a horny 14yr old boy going through puberty. Haha.

Okay so I had one of my most heartfelt conversations of the month with someone who's growing quite near and dear to me. No names for future reference. Haha. Basically, we were (well I was at least) trying to get some decent shut eye after a well deserved night of drinking and then I brought up the topic of how you got to where you are. What were some of your primary influences? Was there anyone who inspired you? The works. This NIGGA rants on for a good 15-20 mins (time away from my sleep I might add) about it. Luckily, I really didn't mind since he had an intriguing response. He got to talking about not growing up with a role model and wanting to be that role model for the youngins. That reminds me of the whole concept of either taking an experience and learning from it by choosing another path when you hit the fork road OR unconsciously repeating your mistakes. He chose the other road and I respect that on so many levels. ANYWAYS, it's such a trip how much common ground I can always seek in individuals regardless how different our walks of life are. That always seems to be my number one strategy, seeking commonalities because you don't resent someone you can relate to. The key is being able to identify the similarities. It can get tricky I tell you.

So ... this past weekend truly was interesting. I've learned that I've progressed tremendously with the ability of not jumping to conclusions so willingly. After all, isn't that what leads to all the anxiety attacks in people's lives ... all that over analyzing? Nigga please. I think I've developed a keen sense on what to deem worthy of my worry.

Yesterday, I went to church downtown opposed to the routine St. Charles. Man, that priest managed to do something that has never been done before: he was able to get me to listen to the entire HOMILY without drifting off what so ever. That is how you know it was a great sermon and the way he delivered it was enjoyable as well ... some light humor enough to catch the crowd's attention and a good anecdote that directly related to the readings. Oh, and can I just say that the music was amazing. It wasn't too much that you were like "alright girl, just because you made it to first cuts in American Idol, doesn't mean you're a star" but it was more like "aww snaaap, she just gave me goosebumps" so yeah. I'm really going to try and attend mass at St. Joseph's more frequently.

I have my midterm tomorrow. I wish I could say that I did my best to study for it like a maniac but then ... I'd be lying. I'm sure I'll be okay though. I'm shooting for an A, that way if I don't reach that mark at least I should get a B. Wisssshhfuuuuul thinking! Haha.


Umm there was so much more I wanted to talk about. OH, OH, OH! Note to self: tone it down. Haha. I should be able to read that in the future and be like, "ooooh girl." Haha.

In and out.

I got myself in this mess, so I'll find a way to get myself out of it. GOD, I'm just so frustrated.

Worst memory, ever!

There were a million times throughout this past week that something happened and I thought to myself, "damn, I need to blog about that." Why is that when I finally get of here, I forget everything? Haaaa ... WORST MEMORY EVER.

Spring quarter has begun. It's amazing how things work out for me sometimes. I truly wonder why I'm lucky enough to just have things fall on my lap without any effort. Maybe I am putting in effort but in attempts of being modest I decide not give myself credit for it. Anyways, I ended up having ALL my classes with at least one familiar face without even planning it to be that way. Truth be told though, I really prefer taking classes by myself and not planned with others because THAT'S HOW YOU MEET NEW PEOPLE. My oh my ... how I sure love meeting new faces.

So I am truly contemplating on whether or not I can handle a double major. OH SNAAAP .. one of my topics that I wanted to rant about just came back to me ... GANG BANGERS! Okay so please tell me why this past month or so I've suddenly touched base with a few familiar faces from half a decade ago. Interestingly enough, later today I'm going to hang out with one of them. It's been FIVE YEARS since I've seen this negro and it's funny but he tells me "I haven't changed one bit." Excuse me sir, but I beg to differ! Haha. Well my point is merely that it is unfortunate that some people choose that road because it truly does not have much to offer in the long run; however, as Mike and Randall sort of pointed out to me ... "it's what you make of it." INDEEED, INDEEED! But seriously ... nothing puts a smile on my face like reuniting with an old friend and knowing that they turned their life around for the better. Even if it takes doing some time to set them straight.

Let's see ... what else? OH! Hahahahaha. Because I have a number of followers here, I will try and keep it G-rated. OR NOT. Haha. But on the real man, it's time for that season! "I do it for a reason, not just for the season!" I love being friends with witty bitches, they truly are the best. Without going into too much detail about that aspect of my life, let me just say that SOMETIMES I get too caught up into the moment and completely neglect long term consequences. I guess it's one of the side effects of having a "you only live once so, FUCK IT!" rational. Haha. Nonetheless, I still firmly believe in living with no regrets. It is instilled in my values to only look back, smirk, and say "maaaah baaaaad!" and leave it at that.

Leer time! <3

New Church.

It's official. I cannot bare bump into another person at church who I don't need to see. It ruins my entire trip to God's House. As far as I'm concerned, I am going to start to attend church Downtown. Or better yet, maybe I should take Sheva's advice and go to church at one of those Black churches (as portrayed on TV) ... yeah! That should do the trick. Hahaha.


Today Felisa came home.
I missed her a ton!
Tomorrow, Sheva's coming.
I miss her a ton.
(So gay for her, hahaha!)
Last night, or earlier this evening, I hung out with Luis.
Truly, he will ALWAYS be mi favorito <3


I need some shut eye.

title.

I wrote down title as my title, how unoriginal. Haha. It's 3:39 AM on the spot. I'm watching a movie titled American Gun on Encore Drama. Let me just say ... it is quite dramatic. It just reminded me of how I always seem to be most attracted to people who triumph over their troubles and become something great. Oh there's another characteristic to add onto my turn-on list. Can you say Ricardo Nunez in a nut shell. Hahaha. As a friend of mine once put it in the past, "you're into intellectual gangsters." Oh yes, oh yes indeed!

So there are a few events I am seriously looking forward to. Besides the fact that I'm spending just about every day of my break with my sistaaa friend Vageezie, I also have a few more exciting points to check off of my to-do list. Can you say Disneyland and parties? Oh baby!

There are so many thoughts lingering through my mind but I'm somewhat hesistant to jot 'em down. I don't know why but I am. It's getting late. I'm gaining weight. I just rhymed.







I will continue tomorrow. Seriously!

inspiiiiiiiiiiired.

Notice the multiple i's in the word inspired! That would be because I managed to inspire myself. That makes me sound self centered but please, please ... let me explain.

So lately my sleeping patterns have been fucked. Let me emphasize on the word .. F U C K E D. Due to the fact that I'm one of the world's most shameful procrastinators, I've had to pull two all nighters in one week and now I'm a bat ... nocturnal and black. Haha. Well, by black I mean that's what I have around my eyes! These disgsuting black circles that make me look like some caffeine addicted depressed single man living in Seattle. Okay, that wasn't exaggerating at all! Back to my point...

Last night before I fell asleep I really got to thinking about this person I've become. I guess the nostalgia can be attributed to reading countless old blogs, diaries, myspace messages, etc. and so that's why I've been drawing so many philosophies on life, or at least my life. So this whole deal about liking people who are older than me, it all sort of makes sense. All my life I've always been treated with the highest regard by those around me. I've always been labeled "too mature" for my age. I've always been put in situations where I'm somewhat forced to take on a mentality that differs from the state of mind that I should be putting on at that age. (I don't know how much those statements just made sense but I'm pretty sure they did, lol.) Okay so anyways ... these facts explain why my expectations in a relationship turn out to be the polar opposite. It's that whole "I'm tired of this ... I want something else" rational going on. The most appreciated people in my life aren't the ones who treat me the way that everyone else has thus far, it's the ones who decide to break away from the norm. That would explain why my last relationship was so different. He honestly babied me in a sense? And hell, let me just tell you that I thoroughly enjoyed it. Now don't get me wrong ... I'm not exactly looking for someone who wants to tuck me in nightly or buckle my seatbelt .. EHEM .. but it's someone who just knows how to attend to my utmost desire without me saying a single word. I do believe the word for it is .. chemistry. God, how the hell do I come up with this shit? Haha. I guess from all the "counseling" I do with the brothers, my parents, my siblings, and friends ... I tend to take on a different perspective on relationships of all sorts. Holla at this psych major! :]

Now now now ... I have another topic of interest that I've been meaning to discuss. MI AMIGOS Sheva Nina Goodarzi. You know how people always say you make your greatest friends in college? She has definitely captured that title and I can honestly see her as one of my bridesmaids (if I do choose to get married because Lord knows there's a toss up about that situation). This girl epitomizes spunky, sexy, sassy, and superb all at once. Lol, okay maybe that's an overstatement! Hahaha. I don't sound lesbo right now at all, naaaw .. naaaaaw. But on a serious note, UCI wouldn't be what it amounts to me as if I didn't have you in Nani's suite with me daaaarling.

Okay back to studying. Finals week, I love to hate you and hate to love you. Wish me luck, I plan on busting my hiney! :] Then it's Spring breaaaaak and that would mean .. FELISI <3 Hip hip hoooooray.

FUCK!

This is my just ranting so please excuse the informal language.


FUCCCCKIIIIIN A! fuck fuck fuck. Okay so talk about sticky situations. It's like Sean (I forgot his last name) all over again. Shit what was his last name? Haha. But anyways! I think I'm gonna stop sending mixed signals because truth be told ... I do not want to be THAT person.

I truly wonder ...

if I'll ever recover from that state of mind?
if I could ever fully get past ... the past?
if I will come across someone to help me attain all this?



At this very moment the answer seems to be no.
Oh well, life moves on!

VALENTINE'S DAY AND I MIX LIKE OIL AND WATER!

Regardless the fact that I've actually enjoyed my past three years of attempts to celebrate against the declared holiday ... I can never help but feel that ultimately Valentine's Day's effects are disastrous. This year I got sushi (haha) and a sunflower. That would be a semi-step up from last years tulips and a boyfriend. I guess?

My point? I'm stuck in a pickle once again. But that's nothing new because I always manage to get myself caught up in situations such as the one I'm currently engaged in. Truth be told, I enjoy the thrill. I just worry that I might end up hurting others in the process and that's something I would never do with intention.

Okay so moving on... I am thoroughly enjoying school right now. Besides the Chicano Studies midterm which I could have received a perfect score on but instead fluked on ... everything else is going great. Finals are going to be here in no time and I'm ready to kick it's ass. I have a pretty firm grip on who I can count on around school and who my true friends are back home. I am still quite the procrastinator but I'm improving upon the treacherous habit gradually.

Even when the weather is as depressing as it is right now (overcast and pouring) I still remain a happy soul. I thank the Lord for blessing me with this feeling.

NOTE TO SELF: No matter what, always stay true to yourself and everything you stand for.
I know it might make me come off ignorant to acknowledge others' perspectives but I'm so easily swayed so before I consider anyone else ... I'm choosing to acknowledge myself.

And I'll leave it at that!

WELL, WELL, WELL ...

I just realized that I totally have a crush. I love crush phases, they keep you on the edge of your seat. You know enough that the person can make you feel a certain pleasant way but you're not in too deep that you're neurotic. I must say ... this would have to be my favorite stage! This and the honeymoon stage are both pretty sweet.

On a lighter note, I just had the BEST weekend of my life. There really is no other way of putting it. Jennessa and Sheva are g-darn blessings and I am so glad I brought them home with me.

OKAY OKAY .. I'm ending it here. I lost my definite urge to spill my emotions out.

TALK ABOUT TRANSITIONS!

So tell me why I had the most interesting experience yesterday. Not only do I bump into Sharon and Julian, I also had the pleasure of bumping into two attractive fellows. Oh life sure is sweet sometimes. I would say that for every ugly feeling I had bottled within about them, I did pretty good yesterday. It only helps that I know I still got my groove. Dang girl! Haha. But on a real note, that was a memory for the books! Did I add that it was Superbowl and the damn Steelers won? No effin bueno. But I got to be with my favorite chicas en el todo mundo--- Lextacy and Iliana!

Today I officially established my friendship with our janitor in the hall. It made me feel like I was back in high school. I just love being interactive with those around me. That's when it really begins to feel like home! I love life, even when it has it's downs ... nope, I still love it!

I LOVE LISTING!

1. To be a good great student. (self)
2. To be a better daughter/sister. (family)
3. To stay in shape and drink virtually no alcohol. (self)
4. To stay in touch with everyone. (friends)
5. To cuss less! (self)

So it seems my main focus in on myself but ultimately I'm just trying to be a better person. This weekend has been pretty interesting by far. Tell me why I've already had heartfelt conversations with two of my brothers. I'm honestly just flattered that they take what I tell them to heart. It really motivates me to become a social worker or family/marriage counselor of some sort. Oh the joys of life. You'd think I'd be PMSing drastically right now (because it is, after all, that time of the month) but I'm in such a good mood. I would like to keep it that way.

MOVING ON, MOVING STRONG!

I have honestly come to the humble realization that the person who I really cannot seem to move past is not my ex-boyfriend, my ex-best friend, or any other external factor in my life. It's me. Or who I was at least. This completely lethargic, self centered, nonchalant character that I managed to transform myself into for some period of time. It's true what they say about being in the heat of the moment because my vision sure was blurred at that time period; however, now more than ever my vision has cleared. Plus I feel like all that self confidence that I had lost before has been restored! That is of course thanks to the people who decided to stick by me even when I was a complete and utter mess (e.g. my phenomenal family, friends, and then some). I'm me again! Damn, it feels so good to proclaim it too!

TRUTH IS,

some people NEED someone to help them get by,
some people have enough to strength to walk on alone,
and some people are still trying to figure it out.

I'm definitely still in the midst of figuring it all out.
&that's completely fine.
Hell, I'm not only young and determined...
I'm also a hell of a fighter (and a lover).
The best is yet to come and 'till then,
I'll be doing my own thing.

So I'll leave it at that for the day.


Today is another blessing and what do you know,
it's also gorgeous outside! :)

LAST NIGHT ...

I had a dream! Hahaha. All MLK status right? Okay but seriously I did have a strange dream. But come to think about it and it really makes sense WHY I had a dream about him. I was, afterall, discussing what had happened between us two like all of last night. Honestly, I take five steps forward and a million back. No bueno. I do want to move on ... like that's really what I yearn for ... but something is seriously holding me back. What frustrates me the most is the fact that I do't understand why. Why must I be so reminiscent? Why am I convinced that we will have a future (a far one at that) together? Why am I being a psychotic bitch? You know how it is! I'm just jotting down a few questions to ponder. Psshh ... yeah right.

Anyways about that dream. We basically crossed paths all randomly and something about his father being a total spazz and getting lost but he was gracious enough to give me and some other gals a ride but then we used his car? Goodness gracious, it was a strange dream. Point blatant... we ended up hooking up and all I remember was feeling really good to be in his arms and the strange thing was I sensed the same sensation from him. Then it got really odd and I tried to RAPE him, hahaha. Okay it wasn't that vulgar but it would have definitely been unacceptable in a public setting. Then it gets amazing and I seduce that nigga! He was resisting (granted he was, and is in actuality, in a relationship) yet he succumbed to my will. Thank God for that. I guess that entire dream just signifies how lonely I really am inside.

Then I remember all the tears I shed and it manages to cancel out any good thoughts I have remaining of him.

Why do I keep doing this! Goodness gracious. kebkfjbdsjfbjsdnfkdjsbfhkdshjsfd. That's how I feel. Oh well.

On a lighter note... this quarter is doing better than last. I can take pride in that. Not that I've really been busting my hiney a lot more but I think I'm better adapted to the "college life" thus resulting in the progress in this quarter. I say all this and first round of midterms haven't even come by yet. That's okay -- I'm going to do great. Duh.

Well, that will be the gist of it for the meanwhile. I need to attempt productivity right now. Toodles.